What about your friends?
A Real Talk Guide to Cultivating Safe, Soul Filling Friendships
I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship lately.
Not just because my life is a hot-ass mess and my friends have been showing up (but yeah... that too lol).
But also because I see the GWORLS out here struggling.
Every week, there’s a new TikTok:
“Storytime about how my friend…”
And I’m just sitting there like… damn. This sounds like it could’ve been a big misunderstanding.
As a counselor, I sit across from people who are heartbroken by the people they love.
As a content creator, I’m chronically online watching folks try to cope with friendship breakups in real time.
And here’s the common thread:
People want connection. But somewhere along the way…we forgot how to do friendship.
It honestly makes me so sad for society.
Because a safe, healthy friendship? It can be absolutely transformative.
And ummmm Y'all may not want to hear this, but imma say it…
Friendship is selfless, not selfish.
Yes, I said SELFLESS.
We live in a time where everyone is in their self-protection era. But we protected our peace so hard that we that we forgot how to let people in . On one hand, I get it. Life is lifing. But that’s exactly why we need community.
Because being on the struggle bus alone ain’t it, boo.
Let’s talk about the kind of friendship we actually need:
🫂 Real Friendship Is…Intimate
Now let me clarify. When I say intimate, I don’t mean your bestie who you bump coochies with when your man’s acting up.
Oops. Did I say that out loud? 👀 My bad friend lol
But for real, true friendship really is intimate. It brings closeness, softness, and trust.
I’ve got friends I cuddle with. We send voice notes just to check in. We FaceTime just to twerk, cry, and pray… in that order.
(Me and JAIs transitions from twerking to praise breaks need to be studied. Lol.)
Somewhere along the way, we made “intimacy” all about sex.
Girl… that emotional intimacy? is TEA
I can't tell you how many times a friend has reached out at the exact right moment, and I’ve done the same.
“Girl… how did you know?”
“How did I know?”
It’s divine.
I really believe my friends are my soulmates. Because boy ain’t no way that’s just a coincidence.
That's intimacy, boo.
🛑 Real Friendship Is…Safe
Let’s talk about emotional safety.
Some of y’all got friends who “tell it like it is”…
But really, they’re just mean.
They clock your edges and call it honesty. They insult you and laugh it off as a joke.
Chile…It’s giving microaggressions. It’s giving frenemy. 😒
A real friend can tell you about yourself without tearing you down.
They will tell you when your vibe is off, when you’re self-sabotaging, when you’re isolating, but they’ll do it in a way that makes you feel seen, not shamed.
A safe friend knows how to hold up a mirror with love.
TikTok taught y’all that everyone is a hater. Baby, that's not always true. A
Yes, use discernment, but don’t let hypervigilance cost you a genuine connection.
🪴 Real Friendship Is…Cultivated
Now hear me out…
Friendships aren’t Fashion Nova. They don’t come with free overnight shipping.
Like my girl Beyoncé said:
“People don’t make albums anymore. They just want to sell a bunch of quick singles.”
We want album friendships, but only put in single-level effort.
We ghost people after one miscommunication.
We fall out because someone outdressed us at our birthday dinner.
We throw away five years of friendship over a girls’ trip to Miami.
(Girl… y’all were both dehydrated, hot, and hangry. 😂)
Superficial friendships crumble at the first inconvenience. Cultivated friendships weather things. They grow. They stretch. They make room.
I walked up to my friend SAM at church one day and said, “You’re my bestie in my head.” Was she my bestie that day? Absolutely not. But I planted a seed. And over time, with consistency, honesty, and intentionality, it grew.
And just like relationships need date nights, friends need check-ins. Shared space. Mutual pursuit. You get out what you put in.
Friendships need check-ins, the way relationships need date nights.
You get out what you put in.
⛪️ Real Friendship Goes Beyond the Pew
This one is for my believers, my worshippers, my “Sunday saved but Monday sad girlies”
Friendship that only exists within a church is not genuine friendship; that’s spiritual proximity.
If someone leaves the church, and your entire friendship dissolves? Baby… y’all weren’t friends. Y’all were co-workers.
I met my friend SHEVINA in 2018. I just needed a ride to church. That’s it. She picked me up every Sunday, without question. Over those 40-minute drives, we started to see each other. We shared pieces of our lives, our struggles, our stories. We had a lot in common. I eventually let her in on the darker aspects of my life, the things I don’t share publicly.
And instead of judging me, she met me with compassion. With curiosity.
I wanted to pull away. I didn’t think I deserved that kind of friendship.
And she said, “I’m not going anywhere.”
And guess what? She hasn’t.
As the oldest child, she has become the big sister I never had but always needed. (and my actual little sister is slightly jealous. But not really lol)
Through crash outs, church transitions, and life changes, we remained locked in.
That’s friendship.
That’s discipleship.
That’s love in action.
👯♀️ Tips for Making Friends as an Adult
I get it. It’s awkward. It feels like dating. Rejection stings.
But the more you try, the easier it gets.
(And honestly, we all need to increase our tolerance for discomfort, but that’s a separate post. I’m not getting into my clinical bag right now. 😂)
Here’s how to get started:
💬 Say the thing
Her curls poppin’? Tell her.
Send the DM. Walk up to her and say, “You give bestie energy.” (You see how it worked for me lol.)
📆 Make the first move
Send the calendar invite. We’re all tired, we’re all booked, but one hour is better than the constant “we should hang out” texts that never happen. My girl KARIN and I have been friends since 2009 (omg we’re getting old) . We may only hang out 2–3 times a year, but when we do?
It’s like we never missed a beat.
🧠 Be curious
Listen actively. Ask follow-up questions.
Pay attention to the little things.
Send “this made me think of you” messages.
(I’m still twerking to a song my homegirl TEARAH sent me weeks ago.)
🧘🏽♀️ Let it build naturally
Don’t overshare too soon or rush the process.
Friendships are albums, not singles. Let the story unfold.
🧡 Give what you want to receive
Want thoughtful friends? Be thoughtful.
Want deep convos? Ask deeper questions.
Give the love you crave. It will come back to you.
My Prayer for You
May you find friendships that don’t feel performative.
May your circle be soft, intentional, hilarious, healing, and holy.
May you attract people who want to know the real you.
And may you have the courage to let them.
Because no matter how independent you are,
You were never meant to do life alone.
With love,
Brittany
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