I'm fat AND fat phobic

I'm not immune to societies beauty standards

My weight was 430lbs. In 2020, I got the bariatric sleeve. I decided to get the surgery after gaining a significant amount of weight from 2017 to 2020. In 2015, after using self-harm as a coping skill since I was 10 years old, I stopped cutting myself. Which was good, except I did an addiction transfer. I went from cutting every day to eating my feelings. As you can imagine, this lead to a lot of weight gain. As I worked through the roots of my self-harm/addiction, I was able to stop eating my feelings and work on losing weight. Then boom. The pandemic. That, combined with the stress from ghetto-ass grad school. I gained the weight back. Was I eating my feelings? No. But I also wasn’t taking care of myself. If you have had bariatric surgery, you know. It’s a tool. I can attest that weight loss surgery is not a magic cure-all. The tool works if you work it. But I honestly didn’t work it. I wasn’t eating right. And then I met my wife. To all my lovers and friends, you know where this is going. Something about getting to know your partner: you eat. ALOT lol.

When I was fat(ER), I experienced dismissal, judgment, and invisibility. People didn’t like me, strangers offered unsolicited health advice, and I often felt my worth was measured entirely by my size. I loved my body at 430. I showed my gut and ass. But I can't lie. This treatment was painful and alienating, and at the time, I internalized a lot of that shame. There is only so much self-love can do; sometimes, outside messages can cancel out what you know to be true.

As a plus-size content creator, it didn't matter what kind of content I made. My weight was often the focus.

Me: Talking about politics.

SM: FAT.

Me: Talking about mental health as someone with a Master's Degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling AND lived experience.

SM: Nope FAT.

Me: Planning a wedding, the happiest day of my life.

SM: How did this fatty get married? I’m still single.

Me: Talking about my thoughts and feelings on the world.

SM: OBESE FATTY MC FAT FAT.

And let's add the intersections of FAT, DARK SKIN, and me combing out my locs around the time I started losing weight. These all affect how people see me.

Then I lost weight. I went from 430 to 260. And suddenly, the world opened up. People smiled more; people liked me more. Suddenly, people viewed me as more competent, attractive, and worthy. It may give many things, but it never gave dumb or ugly. Idk how people equated fat with incompetence. But I digress. The same qualities I had before now seemed to matter in ways they didn’t before. This shift was both validating and infuriating. It reinforced something I’d always suspected: fatphobia isn’t just about health concerns. It’s about how society assigns value based on bodies and how much cruelty is disguised as concern.

But here’s the hard truth: even as I recognized the injustice in how I was treated when I was fat, I also realized how much I had internalized fatphobia. Now, I live with a fear of gaining weight again—I’ve seen the shift in how people treat me, and I can't lie. I LIKE IT (I hate admitting that). I get on the scale every day. I skip meals. I find myself obsessing over the slightest imperfection. I look at myself in the mirror in disgust. The projections All of the things people say about me and have said about me ring loud in my head. I catch myself thinking thoughts that are rooted in the very bias I hate.

A few weeks ago, I stood in the Sharptown Carnival oyster line. (If you know, you know). As I was standing in the line, I noticed a woman who was plus size. I thought to myself. “God, I hope I never get to that fat again.” I was disgusted with her presence. I'm sure people have been and still are disgusted with my presence. I hated myself for this feeling. I had to check my bias, but it was so hard. The guilt and shame I felt for having this thought to begin with activated my chronic suicidal ideation, and I had to work so hard to talk myself down.

YOU'RE HUMAN BRITT. ITS OKAY.

Weight loss has taught me what I have always known: Beauty is capital. I’m working through my fear and biases on weight. I remind myself that my worth doesn’t live in my weight or anyone else’s. I challenge myself to unlearn harmful narratives.

It’s messy and uncomfortable, but it’s necessary. And I will try to be gentle with myself on this journey.

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